


Back To Me

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Strangers [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 02, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Background Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Forbidden Love, Idiots in Love, M/M, Parabatai Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-01 23:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12714987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: Jace and Alec have agreed to stay separated. Will they ever find their way back to each other?





	1. Love to watch you try and turn your back to me

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are with the last istallment of the 'Strangers' series (since from now on i might only do some drabbles from time to time). To better understand this, it's better if you read at least 'We're Not Lovers' and 'I Will Follow You Into The Dark'.  
> In these three chapters, that i will post this week, things will happen during various events of s2 (since i couldn't focus on everthing, there will be time jumps), and i hope you all enjoy ;) rating is not always explicit, but it will be, so keep that in mind.  
> Work and chapter titles are from the song 'Back to me' by Marian Hills (feat Lauren Jauregui).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moving on might be harder than they thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some non-explicit sexual content and other relationships are depicted here.

“I just haven’t had, uh, you know…time for a real relationship.” Alec paused to take a large gulp of his beer. Once he was finished, he pointed at it, “You know, this is – this is good.”

His attempt at changing the subject, however, didn’t work.

“Alexander, just so I’m clear, have you ever… _been_ in a relationship?”

Alec stayed silent for so long, mouthing words that wouldn’t come, that Magnus drew his own conclusions.

“Oh,” Magnus echoed.

Alec _knew_ that secrets were bad, especially in a relationship; but _that_ was one he’d always need to have. It was not like Alec could _tell_ him, after everything they’d done to protect their secret…right? With Hodge – the one person who could’ve been a problem – dead, only Alec, Jace and Izzy knew, so one more person would be a pointless risk to take, especially since it didn’t _matter_ anymore.

It'd have to be a necessary evil.

 _This is my first relationship_ , Alec told himself then. _Repeat it enough time until you could almost believe it yourself._

That was why it became kind of simple to accept the _seventeen thousand_ people he was competing with. Jace was easily worth that much, and Magnus didn’t even have the luxury of knowing about it.

Either way, everything was still a bit…weird, if he so admitted. Not that Magnus wasn’t good company, or that he didn’t _like_ him; it was just that he’d have to get _used_ to actively being with someone…new.

But he’d get to it, he knew that. He _needed_ to.

So, he put a smile on his face, and the rest of his first date with Magnus finished on a high note; now that they weren’t talking about exes and the likes, the conversation was easy to maintain, and they got to Magnus’s apartment still chatting animatedly.

“Are you sure you’re okay with what has come up tonight?” Magnus asked him nervously, once the door closed behind them. It was clear he was still talking about his past experiences.

 Alec swallowed, before echoing, “Are _you_?”

“Yeah, I don’t care about who you haven’t been with,” Magnus quipped.

Alec bit his lip. “Same. I mean, who you _have_ been with, but still…” He hoped his chuckle didn’t sound too weird.

 _This is the only way_ , he had to remind himself.

“Okay then,” Magnus said at last, laughing, a bit hesitantly, as well.

Alec couldn’t take that awkwardness anymore, and just dived in for a kiss.

It was…cool. It was nice, like he already knew from his almost-wedding. He could do this. Even if he could never actually forget that this _wasn’t_ his first relationship, he could start something new without being dragged down by his own past. Right?

Magnus was circling his waist with his arms, and Alec was about to deepen the kiss…when he heard the door open.

They broke apart rather abruptly, but Alec wished he had done it even faster when he saw that it was _Jace_ entering the apartment. His mouth immediately dried up, and he stared wide-eyed as Jace approached them with a clouded expression, not making eye contact with either of them.

Once he reached them, Alec only barely managed to repress the sudden need to wipe his mouth and drop on his knees to beg for forgiveness.

 _What_? Why was he thinking that? He wasn’t doing anything _wrong_ , Jace knew about this, they had decided this together, this was _cool_. All cool. His new boyfriend and…the old.

Magnus seemed a bit miffed at having been interrupted, but he listened to what Jace had to say kindly enough, “Sorry for killing the mood. I wouldn’t ask but…I don’t know where else to go. Do you happen to have a spare room?”

…What?

 _What_?!

“ _Wha_ – Jace, what are you _saying_?” Alec burst out before he could stop himself.  

Jace finally looked him in the eye. “I – Aldertree kicked me out.”

“But…how? _Why_?”

Jace looked around, sending a quick glance Magnus’s way that didn’t go unnoticed, and the latter took the clue. “I guess I’ll leave you two to talk it out, then. But of course you can stay, Jace. I’ll prepare your room.”

Magnus smiled at them before leaving, and Alec swore something inside of him had just turned blacker right then and there – he couldn’t deny anymore that he was practically deceiving someone who had been nothing but kind to him, to _them_. But if he thought too hard about it, he’d go mad, so Alec simply huffed aloud and grabbed Jace by the arm to lead him towards the balcony.

“What is this all about, Jace? He didn’t…find out…”

“No, no, it’s not that, don’t worry,” Jace rubbed at his eyes. “He just, he has footage of my trial, where I say I don’t trust the Clave completely. The people at the Institute already can barely tolerate me…if he shows them _that_ …”

“Shit.”

Jace nodded morosely. “So, I either disappeared or he exposed me.”

Alec fisted his hands and had to stop himself from raining them on any kind of surface. “That damn bastard. I can’t _stand_ him…Jace, I don’t know how much it’ll take, but I _swear_ that I’ll find a way to dethrone him. He can’t keep leading our Institute.”

Jace hinted at a smile. “ _Our_ Institute?”

“ _Yes_. We’ve been living in and leading it since _forever_. We must take it back, and then you can go home.”

Jace averted his eyes, looking at the ground, and Alec couldn’t stop himself from putting his arms around him. Jace returned the hug, circling his waist, and Alec shivered against his will.

They broke apart a (long) moment later, clearing their throats. Alec took a few steps back.

“Well, then,” Jace said. “In the meantime…I know this is weird, but I really didn’t know where else to go. It isn’t _that_ weird, right? Me and Magnus, in the same apartment?”

_It is. There has never been anything weirder in the history of ever._

“Of course not,” Alec said instead, “it’ll just be easier to stay in touch this way. It’s only logical.”

What was _logical_ about his biggest secret living with his newest flame? There was no way this was ending well...and how was Alec supposed to separate the two in his mind, or get over Jace if he was always _there_?

 “Right. So, I guess you should go back to your date. Try not to be too loud, I’m right next door.” Jace winked.

Alec internally flinched. If he knew anything about himself…he would never be able to _be_ with Magnus if Jace was right next door. His skin would crawl.

Jace would never make things easier for him, would he?

“Shut _up_. It’s not like that, it’s out _first_ date.”

“Whatever you say.”

_Kill me now._

* * *

_Kill me now._

Jace laid on his new bed with nothing to distract him from the horrible day he’d just had. He didn’t know if the shunning and humiliation had been worse…or rather seeing Alec kiss Magnus.

Scratch that; he knew it perfectly well. With Valentine he had already gotten used to hardships…while he could never do that with that _second_ part.

He had to admit it, he hadn’t thought their ‘agreement’ would be quite like this. Of course, Jace knew it’d hurt – he had, after all, never _stopped_ hurting ever since that dreadful day at the start of the summer – yet, laying in bed with Alec, completely _platonically_ , and it feeling almost no different from before, had made him hope that he could manage to make _peace_ with the entire situation.

But he hadn’t thought he’d have to _witness_ Alec actually be in the arms of someone else; his failed wedding had been only a special occasion, after all. No, in his vague expectations, Jace had thought it would’ve been just something happening on the side…definitely not so _real_ and unavoidable, right in his _face_.

He had teased Alec about it, but Jace would _explode_ , and not in the fun way, if he ever happened to know, or hear, that the two were sleeping together. He already wanted to throw up, or _something_ , at the mere thought.

Why had he thought going to live with Magnus would be a good idea then? This way, he couldn’t _escape_ them. Just that _glimpse_ , after all, had made him want to…not do nice things to Magnus, and Jace hadn’t thought himself to be a jealous person before.

Okay, wrong, he had always been jealous of Alec, but that was when Alec was _his_. He _wasn’t_ anymore, and Jace had to remember it, damn it! And be a civil person to the one who’d welcomed him with open arms. Cause there wasn’t anywhere else he could’ve gone, right? Surely not to Catarina…as if they didn’t owe her enough already.

Then why did Jace feel like he now had a perfect opportunity?

 _To do what, exactly?_ He asked himself angrily. _Sabotage Alec’s new relationship, really?_ That was _not_ why he had thought to come there, or the kind of person he wanted to be.

 _Calm the fuck down_.

He had to find his own distraction.

Cruising through pubs, the next night, seemed a good idea at first.

He had never had difficulties drawing people to himself, like he had _especially_ confirmed that summer, and in fact it was easy for him to gather up a nice group of Seelies. All girls, as usual. Ever since that one time he had run away, before even getting naked, from an encounter with a guy he had picked up because he resembled Alec, he had no more illusions that he could ever be with one that _wasn’t_ Alec. For some reason, he had now permanently associated the touch of men with _him_ , so it could never be the same kind of casual fun he had with girls. That might’ve been a fucked-up logic…but one he could hardly shake away.  Never having – thankfully – been with Clary, he didn’t know any other way to be with a girl.

Bringing Kaelie at Magnus’s had also seemed like a good idea.

Only when he got there did it occur to him that Alec might’ve been there as well…but there was nothing _wrong_ with it, right? When would they ever move on if they kept on being so reluctant to do so in front of each other? Maybe they really needed this kind of shock therapy to let it get to their heads that they were done for _good_.

For all his logic, finding the house empty still caused a giant sigh of relief to slip past his lips.

“All okay?” Kaelie even had to ask him.

“Yeah, cool.”

She kissed him then, and it would’ve been good…if Jace didn’t suddenly start thinking of _where_ exactly was Magnus, and if he was with Alec.

Damn it.

To make up for it, he doubled his kissing efforts until he had pushed Kaelie against a wall, picking her up to let her wrap her legs around him. He started lapping at her neck, while she dug her nails into his back, and Jace was almost starting to feel something. Riding the wave, he quickly made his way to the bedroom with Kaelie still in his arms, so that they could drop unceremoniously on the bed. Jace then closed his eyes, starting to rut tentatively against her, still kissing her, and if he just lost himself a bit more...

“Mmh, I could tell you were good,” she moaned into his mouth.

The _sound_ of her voice was like a cold bucket of water being thrown on his head…and _he_ more than anyone would know how that felt.

With a groan, he disentangled himself from her and got up from the bed all in one move.

“Oi, what the hell?” Kaelie raised herself on her elbows to look at him. “What’s gotten into you?”

What the hell indeed. Why had he reacted like that? Didn’t he already _know_ who he was with?

Pacing in front of the bed, Jace tried to get a grip. However, the more he looked at Kaelie watching him not-so-patiently, the more he felt sure that he couldn’t do this. 

He still didn’t know _why_. He hadn’t had such a problem after Alec had broken up with him and he’d needed a distraction. He’d _easily_ been with plenty of girls back then.

 _But back then_ , it occurred to him, _you were angry at Alec and wanted to get back at him_.

It was true. Everything he had wanted to throw at Alec, he had fueled it in trying to make him feel _exactly_ the same frustration Jace felt. So he had fucked a girl after the other in the hopes that Alec would be at home receiving the sensations from the bond and biting his hands as a result, _truly_ experiencing on his own skin the things that his cowardice had made him lose. _It could be you_ , _but you lost it_ , was what Jace had basically tried to tell him.

He felt ashamed of it, now. Alec might’ve really fucked them up without even being honest about it, but he’d _had_ a legitimately good reason. Even without considering Hodge, they _were_ truly stupid for so many years that it was a wonder they weren’t discovered sooner…and it was exactly because Jace hadn’t been able to admit it that he had done everything in his power to make it as hard as possible on Alec.

But him and Alec had come a long way since then. They’d risen up from the rock bottom that had been their fight at the entrance of the City of Bones, they’d come out the other side of both metaphorical and literal _limbo_ , and now it felt like they had never been on better terms, every card finally laid out between them. But, most of all, after having almost lost Alec more than once, Jace could _never_ bring himself to be fueled by that same kind of anger again. On the contrary, in his heart there was only a _greater_ love for Alec than there ever was, if that was even possible.

And he wanted the last person he had been with to be _him_.

There it was, the reason. Him and Alec had made love only once (well, technically, more than once, but in the same night) since the break-up, but it still meant that the last trace that had been left on Jace was only Alec’s.

He didn’t want anybody else to replace it. Without anger, Jace’s body craved only love…a love that belonged solely to Alec.

Well then! He was done for. He couldn’t even have casual sex anymore, because at the end of the day he didn’t _want_ to have it. And this ‘mutual agreement’ between him and Alec felt to have nothing _agreeable_ about it.

And the only mutual thing about it was the despair, and the longing.

Or maybe not. Alec seemed to be moving on easily enough.

Jace gritted his teeth, trying hard not to fault him, or feel betrayed. They _had_ still agreed to this.

“Listen, Kaelie, I’m sorry. I’m not really in the mood.”

* * *

Getting out of the house (and of the country) turned out to be the best course of action. After taking a breath of fresh air, Alec could walk through Paris with Magnus truly feeling like he could _do_ this. When Magnus took his hand, he didn’t even mind too hard.

Magnus brought him to a balcony he said he remembered from when he lived there…in the 18th century. But the view of the Seine was indeed still beautiful.

That was when it happened.

Alec caught a whimper before it slipped past his lips, while a hand shot up to rub at his neck, suddenly flared up with an all-too familiar heat.

 _No, oh no. Not now! Seriously, Jace?!_ But of _course,_ he went out and Jace brought someone in. Now Alec wouldn’t be able to mask the blush on his face, Magnus would notice that something was wrong, and _no way in hell_ could he, or was he going to, explain the reason.

Thinking about the fact that Jace was probably with someone back at home also didn’t help his mood at all. The heat that rose in him at that thought, then, was of another kind. And Alec _knew_ that he was being unfair - they were _supposed_ to be doing that - but it had taken Jace basically no time at all! It only reminded him of all those months when Jace had jumped from one bed to another to get back at him and…

 _Okay, stop, it doesn’t matter. It’s okay_. Jace could do whatever he wanted, because he wasn’t _his_ anymore, from Alec’s own _choosing_.

Oh, how Alec hated his choices. 

Still, when a new wave of lust hit him, he knew what to do. In a quick move, Alec literally _pounced_ on Magnus until the latter’s back hit a wall, then he drowned everything that he was feeling into his new boyfriend’s mouth.

When they got back home, Magnus seemed happier and lighter than he’d been so far. When Alec gifted him a lucky charm, though, he couldn’t help but think that his choice of gift, that he had thought to be a nice sentiment when he was buying it, might’ve spurred from his superior knowledge that Magnus would probably need more luck than he was aware of.

It was only Alec’s guilty conscience talking, right? Because that gift didn’t mean, despite his dishonesty, that he didn’t want things with Magnus to work. Alec _wasn’t_ planning on hurting him.

But again…he hadn’t planned to hurt Jace either.

_Why am I such a shit boyfriend? Why can’t I seem to be good at it at all?_

Those were questions that couldn’t help but _plague_ him for days after that.

Not that he would admit it, not even to his sister…because he couldn’t even believe it _himself_ that his main problem seemed to be the struggles of an adolescent. When, weirdly enough, him and Jace _hadn’t_ had such problems when they were _actual_ teenagers. After the first few tentative months, they had been so in synch, so secure in their relationship, in the knowledge that their love would _make_ it…

Yes, he should _really_ focus on the hunt for Valentine, and on being, you know, the Shadowhunter that he was. These matters-of-the-heart were truly so damn stupid, tiring, and _depressing,_ in comparison.

But, of course, right when he needed to drown himself into work the most, days at the Institute would drag on endlessly with no sign of the enemy in sight, leaving him with nothing else but the need to work on his most immediate matter.

Well then! If he was such a terrible boyfriend, he had to force himself to be _better_. Magnus needed to feel loved and secure in the relationship for it to work; that was what had worked for Alec’s past relationship, after all. There needed to be caring, ~~honesty~~ , intimacy… _that_ , he could do!

Alec still remembered with the utmost clarity his first time with Jace. He could swear that he still bore an imprint of it on his very being. If he were asked, he could only describe it with the word _them_. It had been _them_ uniting on the deepest level; their bodies, hearts and souls had connected for the first time all at the same time, in the most binding of ways. A phenomenon that only strengthened in intensity every new time.

If he managed something like that with Magnus, Alec could put a stop to the dangerous love that could only bring himself and Jace down.

According to Jace, however, it wasn’t a common thing for sex to be like that, and he had said that he hadn’t experienced anything of the sort before. Alec had to try harder then. Jace had never been with anyone else but _him_ out of love, after all. Alec was doing this out of love, instead.

…out of love for someone else.

Damn it. How could he _sleep_ with Magnus? How could he let him touch him so intimately when nobody, _nobody_ , had ever come even _close_ to it beside Jace? Especially when he was still _in_ love with Jace…

It’d feel sacrilegious, it’d feel like a _betrayal_ no matter what him and Jace had decided not to do. And if he stopped lying to himself, Alec knew, deep down, that he could _never_ love someone else like he did Jace, and that he could never experience what he’d had with him with _nobody_ else.

He had already _known_ , though. He had already resigned himself to a loveless life, if he couldn’t have who he wanted. His relationship with Magnus had never been about that, about replacing Jace…it was just something he had to _try_ and see _what_ it could be.

He needed Izzy.

He arrived at that conclusion while getting rid of a hoard of Shax demons near Grand Central. Because, of course, he was now the kind of person to think about getting laid while doing his job; apparently not even a fight could distract him enough. Sighing all the way back to the Institute, Alec was glad he found his sister right in the ops center. Thankfully, not many people were around.

“Hey, where have you been? Could’ve used your help, you know.”

Only when he spoke did she seem to notice that he was there, and she looked up at him rather groggily. “Oh, Aldertree has me looking on rogue vampire dens. Sorry.”

She fumbled with the neck of her dress then, which made Alec notice the fact that her skin was strangely glistening.

Alec raised his eyebrows. “Are you _okay_?”

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Yes? Listen, I’m busy here, do you have anything you wanted to talk about? Cause if you’re just trying to misplace your concerns, I’d rather you go look after Jace.”  

“Wha- Jace? What about him? Did you see him?”

Jace had been evanescent ever since he’d gone to live with Magnus, because he was _barely_ in the house. Alec had only a vague idea of what he was doing, since apparently he wasn’t bringing more people home, for some reason…and Alec wanted nothing more than go after him, but sadly it’d defeat the purpose of _moving on_ that they had going on. He had tried to tell Jace that it didn’t mean ghosting each other, but Jace had been rather adamant on needing _space_. After everything, he could only grant him that, even though the back of his mind was constantly nagging him with the thought that Jace needed him. Alec could _feel_ , after all, the jumble of contradicting emotions, practically none of them positive, that was Jace…yet Jace had begged him to let him deal with it on his own…

“Oh, just barely,” Alec shrugged himself off when Izzy started talking, “he was at the Hunter’s Moon earlier. Having fun. I was glad for it.”

Alec nodded, deciding to lean more on relief for that.

Izzy went back to the screen that she had been examining.

“So, basically…” Alec started, and Izzy reluctantly gave him back her attention, “how do you…manage to, to be intimate with people…casually? I don’t mean to offend, I really, _really_ need to know.”

Izzy’s eyes had widened in hearing him talk. Then her expression turned sympathetic, and Alec tried to swallow down his sudden nerves. “You were never with anybody else but…?”

Alec mutely shook his head. “It’s not that I think I’d completely dislike it with Magnus, but…it’s not the same, and I-I just can’t do it only _because_. It must _mean_ something. Since it _can’t_ mean what I want it to be, but I still want it…that’s where you come in.”

Izzy frowned. “Alec, what can I tell you? I’ve never experienced what you have, I don’t even know _what_ standard we’re talking about here. Sex has always been just sex to me…so I can only say that you should _stop_ expecting it to be anything else. Just enjoy it for what it turns out to be.”

Alec sighed, lowering his eyes.

“I’m sorry if that’s disappointing…”

“No, no, it’s alright, Iz, thank you. And you _are_ right. It’s just that it’s not going to be easy.”

If it couldn’t be easy, he had to just _dive in_. That was why he marched all the way to Magnus’s house, a _purpose_ strong in his mind. Hopefully, Jace wasn’t there.

He didn’t even let Magnus get one word out before he pounced on him, convincing him all the way to the bedroom. There was _nothing_ to worry about, this would work, and it _did_ work, as they stumbled towards the bed, taking off each other’s clothes and laughing between kisses.

But when he found himself with his back on the bed with a body over him, and a name wanted to get past his lips, Alec had to bite his tongue until he drew blood. Groaning at the pain, he was out from under there and rummaging at the foot of the bed for his clothes before even realizing it. Angel, what had he _done_?

“Wha- did I do something wrong?” Magnus asked him worriedly.

Alec had no words. He didn’t know if he would ever speak again, because the only things that he could say would be just hurtful. Especially after he had promised Magnus that he wouldn’t lose him over this…but what could he _do_? He _couldn’t_ do this, he knew that now.

How could he get out of that situation, now? And without telling the _truth_?

“No, no, it’s not that, it’s just that I…I’m sorry, you were right. I can’t, I can’t do this.” Alec lowered his eyes.

“Hey, it’s okay. I told you there is no rush,” Magnus said kindly. Nothing he deserved in that moment.

“No, not just this…” Alec forced himself to look back at Magnus. “I – I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, right now. It’s – there’s so much going on and I…”

“It’s Jace, isn’t it?”

Alec’s heart stopped. “What?”

“Alexander, I’ve not been born yesterday. I know about your feelings for him, don’t I? I just…thought that you’d want to let them go, at some point, since pursuing impossible things can only hurt you in the end…but what do I know,” Magnus averted his eyes, and Alec could swear he almost tasted the bitterness in the air. “I was not demanding anything of you, that you love me or something, just that you gave yourself, and us, a chance.”

Alec closed his eyes for a moment, trying to breathe. “I thought that, too. But I _can’t_. It’s like my head is telling me one thing and my heart another, and I can’t _help_ it. No matter how many times I tell myself…in the end I don’t care that it’s impossible. That’s where I’m at. I’m sorry, Magnus.”

He could only leave in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp.


	2. When I know that every minute you'll be back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Izzy's in trouble, Jace is angry, and Alec struggles with a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would it be Strangers, if the struggle wasn't still real?

It was only right, ending up alone, walking in the cold night.

Because it _wasn’t_ as if his realization meant that he could crawl back to Jace, throwing away all the reasons why he had let him go in the first place. It just meant that he would stop trying to fool himself into thinking that he could ever move on. He’d just keep loving Jace without ever being able to express it, as was already standard procedure.

Fortunately – no, very, _very_ unfortunately – Alec was teared away from his problems when he suddenly heard a struggle going on in a back alley, punctuated by the tell-tale sounds of vampire growls.

He _did_ see it as a welcome distraction at first…but only up until he saw that the person being surrounded by vampires was his own sister.

“Get away from her if you care about your lives!” he shouted, an arrow already having dissolved one of the attackers.

When Raphael Santiago also appeared, the space had already been cleared - vampires had too good a sense of self-preservation, which Alec would’ve rather they didn’t in that moment.

Alec quickly rushed to catch Izzy, who was a second away from falling.

“Iz, hey, it’s okay, they’re go-”

“NO!”

Izzy pushed on his chest so hard that she managed to free herself from his hold, as Alec stumbled backwards. His eyes widened, and only then did he _see_ his sister.

Her skin was deadly pale, drops of sweat highlighting the unnatural luminescence, and her eyes were unfocused, as she tripped over her own feet, barely able to keep herself upright.

“I needed them! Go away!” she screamed at him, until she noticed Raphael, and she literally _pounced_ on him, grabbing him by the lapels of his jacket. “Help. Me,” she begged, her voice _nothing_ like Izzy’s.  

Alec had a hard time getting out of his shocked state, but when he did, he sprung forward, going to circle Izzy’s middle to drag her away from the vampire. “Iz, let him go, come away, what is going _on_ …?”

“LET ME GO! LET ME GO!”

Fighting against a thrashing Izzy, Alec still managed to hear Raphael when he said, “It’s the yin fen. It’s a powerful drug, made of vampire venom…she’s hooked on it.”

Alec’s insides turned to ice, and Izzy took advantage of that to get out of his hold once more.

“NO! I NEED IT! IT’S…I NEED IT! YOU WON’T KEEP ME AWAY FROM IT!”

She leapt on Raphael again, but this time Alec was ready. He signaled Raphael with his eyes, right before swiftly taking out his stele and starting to trace a sleeping rune on Izzy’s neck as the vampire caught her in a deadly grip.

The rune’s effect was immediate, and she couldn’t even put up a fight before she was securely in Alec’s arm, unconscious.

Alec squared Raphael up and down. “Do you have anything to do with this?” he asked in a low tone, and he knew that Raphael sensed the danger behind his apparent calm.

“I swear it’s the first I see of this, I recognized the symptoms,” Raphael answered.

He didn’t bulk under Alec’s icy glare, so Alec nodded at him in the end. “Thank you. Don’t let it get out with anybody else. And do you know how she can get off it?”

Alec ran all the way back to the Institute, entering from the back door to sneak Izzy into her room without anyone noticing.

Once she was safely in her bed, Alec cleaned out the room of every single stele or hidden weapon, then he applied runes on every single entrance until they were entirely locked in, no one outside that could hear them. That should do it.

He should’ve _seen_ it, he should’ve took notice of her, he should’ve investigated at the first sign…even if he could never have _imagined_ any of this, how could he have been so caught up in his own personal drama while his sister got hooked on _drugs?!_ He was not only the worst boyfriend, he was a failure as a big brother, too.

So when Izzy woke, he was ready for her to throw everything she had at him, as he would probably have to keep her from getting out against her will. It’d be messy, it’d be painful, but she needed to sweat it out, and he would be there for her through it all.

And it _did_ take a long, long time before they stopped screaming, as she attacked him or every other object in the room.

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! I NEED IT!”

“YOU _DON’T_ NEED IT, IZ, YOU DON’T! WHY SHOULD YOU NEED IT?”

“IT HELPS ME!”

“IT DOES NOT! WHAT DOES IT NEED TO HELP YOU FOR?”

“FOR…THINGS! IT HELPS ME BE BETTER, BE STRONGER, MORE…PERFECT! NOTHING YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND!”

“YOU ARE THE BEST, STRONGEST PERSON I KNOW! NO DRUG COULD EVER COMPARE TO _THAT_!”

“MOM DOESN’T THINK SO!”

“Mom?!” Alec lowered his voice. “Is it about what…the demon made you say? You think you’re not the favorite?”

Izzy simply screamed and threw a chair across the floor, her eyes feral.

Alec sighed, something bleeding inside of him. “I know Mom is hard on us, on _you_ especially. I know that the job we have can’t excuse it, but…I think Mom has been consumed by it, you know? She thought she needed to be hard to make herself pay off her debt to the Clave. I…but I’m sure she loves us. She _loves_ you, Iz. I just think she’s too afraid to let herself show it.”

Izzy collapsed on the bed, hiding her face behind her hands, and Alec rushed towards her to hold her against his chest as she sobbed.

“I know it’s not much and you need to believe it yourself,” Alec told her softly, “but for _me_ you don’t have one thing you need to change about yourself. I love you just the way you are, Iz.”

Izzy only cried harder. “I-I’m sorry. I d-don’t want to have to feel this way, b-but I don’t know w-what to do.”

Alec closed his eyes, holding her even tighter. “First, let’s get you off it, okay? Everything will look a lot better then…are you ready for it?”

“N-no. It b-burns! I don’t know if I c-can do it. I think I’m gonna d-die, if - if I could just have one last…”

“No, no more. I can’t let you, I’m sorry.” Izzy’s hands fisted around Alec’s already torn shirt, clawing at it even more. “And you won’t die. You are strong, and brave, and you will get through this. I know it.”

Izzy shook her head. “No, I’m not. Everyone thinks I am, but I-I’m _not_.”

Alec looked down at her head, buried into his chest. He threaded his fingers through her hair. “Of _course_ everyone has their moments of weakness, and doubt, and fear…but it doesn’t mean that they’re not strong. I always admired you for how you faced everything coming at you headfirst, without ever compromising on who you were.” _Unlike me._

Izzy didn’t respond, and she stayed silent for so long that Alec thought she had fallen asleep, until she spoke in a small voice, “M-mom is gonna kill me. She’s not gonna l-love me for this.”

Alec sighed. “Give her another chance, okay? If she says anything when you tell her, I will be by your side, _always_ , but I want us all…to be a _family_.”

Izzy moved her head almost imperceptibly; Alec thought it was a nod, or at least that was what he hoped. Either way, he was finally able to help her into more comfortable clothes and into the bed without encountering any further resistance. Then he sat down next to her as she breathed uneasily against her pillow, shaken by uncontrollable tremors.

He didn’t want to ask, but he needed to. “Just tell me one thing. How?”

She shook for a few more minutes, before she could let the words out, “A-Aldertree. Gave it to me…to heal the demon wound.”

After that, she started throwing up, and Alec had to hold back her hair in the bathroom for the next hour. When it seemed like she was done, Alec reactivated her sleeping rune, to let her get some rest.

“I-I’m s-sorry,” she sobbed in her pillow, her eyes already drooping.

“No, it’s not your fault. I…I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you before.”

But she was already asleep.

Alec quietly left the room, locking it behind himself, so that he could go change and…

Aldertree was out of his chair, slammed against the window with two hands around his throat, before he had even finished to greet Alec.

“Mr. Lightwood…I wouldn’t have…considered you one…for direct insubordination,” he strangled out, laughing as he chocked.

“I wouldn’t have considered you one for kicking my parabatai out and _hooking my sister on a lethal drug_ ,” Alec said, his anger vibrating loudly in the low sound of his voice.

As Aldertree’s eyes widened, Alec’s hands left his neck only to grab him by the lapels and slam him against another wall.

“I bet the Clave will be very happy to hear about it, and send you to a nice vacation on Wrangel Island,” Alec was still talking barely above a whisper, a few breaths away from Aldertree’s face.

“What…do you want?” Aldertree said back, his voice still strained.

“ _I_ call the shots from now on, if you know what’s good for you. And if I catch you threatening _my_ family _ever_ again…”

Aldertree nodded, and he slumped on the ground after Alec abruptly let him go.

“See you around, _boss_ ,” Alec said lightly as he left the office.

Alec went back to Izzy, who was thankfully still under the effect of the rune, and he let himself drop on the couch next to her bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

He was planning to hole the both of them up into Izzy’s room until she managed to shake the drug off, using as excuse that she had a very bad flu that she needed his assistance for…but finding himself with his little brother attached to his legs, complicated things a bit.

“Max! Mom? What are you doing here?”

“I’m about to get my first rune,” Max told him excitedly.

Maryse smiled down at him. “Yes. Alec, we’re here for the party and the ceremony. Since your father can’t get away from Idris, it’s on you organizing it for him.”

“Why is dad not coming?”

Maryse didn’t answer. “Where is Izzy?”

Alec stumbled for a solution, trying not to let it show that he was not very happy with his mother at the moment. When Izzy got better, she better be there for her daughter. “Mom, she’s…very sick. No, it’s better if you don’t go see her. I’m taking care of her and she doesn’t want to see anyone else. So, is it okay if we push it all back one week, at least? Eh, do you mind Max? I’m sure you want Izzy there, and she wouldn’t want to miss it…”

If _that_ was solved, Alec still couldn’t spend his entire time with Izzy, if he wanted to do his job and not let Aldertree dictate things. He needed reinforcements.

“Jace, I need you,” he talked into the phone.

“Hey, what about? I’m kinda-”

“It’s Izzy, she’s not well. Please.”

At the sound of the familiar knock they had invented many years ago, Alec let Jace enter.

When Jace saw the state the room was in and the trembling ball huddled under the covers, his eyes widened almost to the size of his head. It was definitely not a nice sight, even if Alec had tried to clean up a bit.

“Yin fen. Aldertree got her hooked on it,” Alec told him. He suddenly felt very tired.  

“Yin fen? _Aldertree_? What the hell...and where is _he_?” Jace growled.

“Don’t worry, I already took care of him.”

Jace looked up at him. “You did? How, is he dead already?”

Alec gave a weak smile. Jace was only half joking, and he shared his sentiment all too well. “No. No need. I got him good, though. If he doesn’t want to face the Clave, he knows not to bother us anymore or boss us around.”

“So…the Institute’s back in your hands?”

“Yes.”

Jace smiled openly, until his eyes landed on Izzy again. “Go handle it then, I’ve got this.”

Alec swiftly wondered if he should tell Jace about Magnus…but he simply left the room.

When he got back, Izzy was snoozing on Jace’s lap, as the latter softly caressed her hair.

“You can come back, you know?” Alec told Jace when he was about to leave again. “You don’t need to stay at Magnus’s, Aldertree won’t dare say a word.”

“I’m not staying at Magnus’s anymore, I got a room somewhere else.”

Alec shrugged, as a reminder of his previous words.

“Yeah, I just…I’m not ready to come back yet. Call me when you need a switch, but I’ll be staying on my own for a while.”

Alec lowered his eyes. “Is it because…?”

“No, no, it’s not you. I just need some space…from _everything_ , like I already told you.”

Alec reluctantly nodded. “Come back whenever you’re ready, then.”

Jace merely touched him on the shoulder in agreement, before going out. Alec sighed.

Izzy was still a mess, even if she had managed to hold in some food and her tremors had slightly eased. Alec prepared her a nice bubble bath, hoping that it would sooth her body, then he sat down on the floor next to the tub.

“How are you feeling?” he asked her.

“Like hell,” she shot back in a rough voice.

Alec snorted, far from amused. “Yeah.”

“But thank you, big bro, anyway,” she added more softly, “for everything you’re doing for me.”

“Shh, no need.”

“Yes, need. I don’t even want to think what would’ve happened if you hadn’t found me in that alley. At what point I would’ve gotten to before…”

“What matters is that you’re getting better now.”

Izzy let out a sound that Alec thought was a scoff. “It’s not gonna be over so easily, I’m afraid,” she admitted more quietly.

Alec sighed. “I know.” She most likely had more than a rough patch before her.

“Distract me, please,” she begged, her head slumped on the edge of the tub to look at him. “How did it go with Magnus, in the end? Was it good?” Her smirk was almost successful.

Alec looked at his wringing hands. “Didn’t happen.”

She paused. “Care to tell me why?”

“You know why.” She raised an eyebrow, clearly asking for more, and Alec rolled his eyes. “I just couldn’t do it. It didn’t…feel right. I…”

Izzy closed her eyes in understanding, and they fell silent.

“So, tell me…do you still love Jace?” she asked then.

Alec shrugged, refraining himself from saying _duh_. “I’ll always love Jace.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean, _why_?”

“I don’t know…I just don’t _understand_. This can only end up badly, yet you’re still both so stubbornly holding onto each other…”

“It’s not holding _on_. Hell, you don’t know how _much_ I’ve let go, and it’s still not _enough_ to…I can’t explain it, Iz. Not if you’ve never felt it.”

Izzy regarded him for a long while. “Alec, I’m sorry…it’s my fault, isn’t it? I convinced you to enter the parabatai bond with Jace…” Alec didn’t have the time to protest before she went on, “I just thought that you were being stupid for wanting something vague like _love_ instead of the tangible, sacred, life-long bond that you could have, you know? But I’ve messed it up, haven’t I? I never thought it’d bring you so much pain, that it’d cause you so much trouble…”

“No, Iz, it’s not like that.” Alec tried to find the right words. “It wasn’t _you_ , I would always make that same choice.” Alec looked directly at her. “It truly feels like the parabatai bond was always in our…destiny. And you know I’m not usually one for such sentimentalism, but when it comes to Jace I damn well _am_. I _always_ felt that it was never either-or for us. It’s all or nothing. It’s our _love_ that brought us to tie ourselves together for life, and without it, it would feel incomplete, you know? And our bond is raised by love to whole new levels…it’s amazing, Iz. I know we’ve never showed you, but it’s _magic_. And it’s not _bad_ , there is nothing twisted about it…it’s _beautiful_. It’s a manifestation of _us_.”

Despite the fact that those words had been to try and make _Izzy_ understand, Alec was still left to reflect on them just as well. He felt inundated all over again by feelings that he could do nothing about; his love for Jace, burning brighter and brighter every day, and the danger looming behind, threatening to squash it if it got any closer. Nothing would ever change, would it?

“Then go for it.”

Alec looked at Izzy with eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“I know what I said before, okay?” Izzy added, “But you’re right…something like this shouldn’t have to bow down to a stupid _law_. It’s too good to let it go. And Jace told me something similar, you know?”

“He…he did?” Alec didn’t know why he was so surprised, and touched by it.

“Yeah, he clearly feels the same way, about the bond being your destiny and all. Alec, just go for it.”

Alec’s hands were trembling, and he had to cross his arms over his chest to hold them in check. “We can’t. _I_ can’t. After everything that’s happened, and _could_ happen, I can’t throw away caution out of the window. I can’t _lose_ you, or Jace, or our family, and if we’re found out I’m gonna lose it _all_.”

“You’ll be more careful, then! What happened with Hodge – yes, Jace told me – was just _one_ incident.”

“That could happen again! There are still _too_ many ways that…no, no, it can’t be done.” Alec closed his eyes, refusing to see the stern look Izzy was throwing at him.

“You want to live a life of regret?” When Alec didn’t give any sign of listening, Izzy sighed. “Fine. Do whatever you want. And I didn’t tell you all this to make you do anything anyway. I just want you to know that, whatever you decide, you don’t need to worry about me. You have my blessing.”

Izzy stretched out a hand, and Alec reluctantly held it.

* * *

That only felt like the next cruel joke.

Jace stared down at the sea of dead in front of him, caused by his own hand, and he was almost surprised that there existed a deeper rock bottom for him to reach. He had thought he had reached it many times already, after all…but no, there was always to dig.

When Alec entered the room, and started surveying the disaster with dread on his face, Jace wanted to find a shovel straight away.

“You did this. You activated the sword?” Alec asked in a stony voice, and Jace’s insides completely crumpled in on themselves even when he realized that he was addressing Clary, and not him.

“No, I…” Clary started, but Jace interrupted her.

“I did it. I thought…I was destroying it,” Jace admitted. He couldn’t tell how he sounded.

Alec looked at him then, and Jace saw as his expression turned softer, the one he always had when Jace was hurt and he was about to rush to comfort him. Jace couldn’t let him, not this time, not ever.

Sending a last look at the wreckage and at the three people surrounding him, Jace bolted out of the room.

“Jace!” he heard Alec call after him, but he ignored him, and kept running and running, until he was out of the Institute, screaming for Valentine’s name.

When he saw him…he _pounced_.

In the end, watching Valentine be taken away wasn’t as much of a relief as it should’ve been; because Valentine could tell him honestly that he loved him in the same breath that he revealed another one of the lies he had told Jace all his life. Valentine wasn’t his real father…and Jace didn’t know who he was anymore.

Jace could only start aimlessly wandering the corridors of the Institute, then. No ties and only death behind him.

But not entirely. Of course, another pair of feet was following him.

“Go away, Alec!” he called out.

“Jace, please, stop!”

Jace only quickened his pace. Alec did, too. Then Jace was running, and Alec was too.

The wooden panels had turned into a blur before a pair of arms managed to shoot around him, and Jace had to struggle to shake them off. They tumbled around the corridor, hitting every surface, wrestling and shouting at each other…but in the end, Jace lost all his fuel. When Alec crowded him against a wall, he let himself slump on the ground with a sound of defeat, bringing Alec down with him.

Twenty years of pain inflicted to him by someone who wasn’t even his real father couldn’t help but come out of him right then and there. For the first time in…ever, the tears didn’t want to be held in, and Jace was left sobbing and crying in Alec’s arms like a child. The child that he had never gotten to be.

“I’m angry because he tricked me all my life into thinking he was my _father_ ,” Jace shouted, landing a blow on Alec’s blades.

It was the next evening, and Alec had somehow convinced him to do this.

“Because he raised me as an _experiment_.”

Another blow that Alec parried.

“He taught me that love was a weakness, and made me scared to love anyone but him, the only one who could supposedly _understand_ me.”

He twirled his blades and this time contact with Alec’s made sparks fly.

“He tortured me, lied and manipulated me more times than I can count, made me kill innocent people!”

Alec’s swords flew from his hands.

Jace stopped, breathing in and out, in and out. His head was dizzy, and he didn’t know if he felt better or worse.

“Okay. We can take a break,” Alec said. Jace would’ve taken it, and maybe he could’ve even managed to fling himself into Alec’s arms once more without encountering protests, but he was only afraid he’d start crying again.

“No, I’m not tired. Are you, old man?” Jace managed a smirk, and was glad to see that it caused a smile to appear on Alec’s face, too.

“Wanna go hand to hand?”

Jace didn’t know if Alec realized how many octaves his tone of voice had dropped, but Jace welcomed the shivers that that sent him all too eagerly.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

They were on the floor a moment later, and this time their wrestling had nothing of the defeat and desperation that it’d had the day before. Jace, even if he wasn’t better _altogether_ , in that moment _did_ let lighter, more soothing emotions in, having them flow through their bond until him and Alec burned brighter than all Jace’s past or present afflictions. Even if he had been skeptic, now Jace _was_ grateful that Alec had convinced him to ‘unload’ like that.

“I’m angry because I don’t know where I come from or who I am,” Jace said, turning Alec’s grip around so that he could pin him on the floor.

“I’m angry because my life keeps being turned upside down every two days.”

Alec got free, and tried to pin him down, but Jace wrapped his legs around his neck to keep him at bay.

“And I’m angry at _you_.”

Alec stopped any movement, and looked down at Jace for a long minute. In the end, he simply nodded, mutely.

“I’m not exactly _angry_ ,” Jace felt the need to add, “I just…I’m tired of this. I’m tired of not being with you.” The one good thing in his life, being forcefully kept away from him for…reasons.

Alec bit his lip, and they must’ve both realized the position they were in, because Alec’s grip shook around Jace’s hand, hands that were not hanging far away from Jace’s crotch. Like Alec’s crotch wasn’t too far away from Jace’s…ass. Things were getting interesting…

“But isn’t Clary not your sister anymore? Don’t you want to get on that?”

Jace internally sighed. “And ruin what she has going on with Simon, you mean?”

“What, you really think that you’re _so_ irresistible that she’d dump him as soon as she finds out that you’re not related?”

“ _You_ definitely cannot talk about finding me irresistible.”

Alec bit his lip even more. “Touché.”

Jace sighed openly now, before twisting his legs and managing to slam Alec on the ground.

“Have you not realized by now? I don’t want Clary, nor anybody else…” Alec managed to turn around, but Jace kept him in place, straddling him, his hands on Alec’s chest, a moment later, “that isn’t _you_.”

Jace grind down for emphasis, and Alec’s mouth opened wide, even though Alec didn’t let out any sound. Jace, instead, closed his eyes for a moment, shivering all over.

Then he simply let himself fall on his back right next to Alec, who in turn didn’t move a muscle.

“I think I won that one,” Jace quipped, even if he wasn’t feeling it. When Alec didn’t say anything, Jace just continued, “I know what we agreed on, okay? But I just hate it, I’m sick of pretending otherwise. It makes me _sick_ thinking of you with someone else, that’s why I left Magnus’s place.”

Alec looked at him. “I’m not with Magnus anymore. I haven’t been for…weeks.”

“What?” Jace’s eyes shot out of his head. “ _Why_ am I just hearing this?!”

“We were busy, with Izzy, Max, Valentine and all. I didn’t think it worth mentioning, since…it doesn’t change much. We weren’t _not_ together because of him.”

Jace huffed, turning his gaze on the sky to not keep looking at Alec. “Then why did you leave him?”

Alec paused for so long that Jace didn’t think he would answer him. “I couldn’t be with him. It just…it felt like cheating, all of it. I felt like I was cheating on you.”

Jace snorted this time, still not meeting Alec’s eyes. “You were not, okay? You can go back, don’t worry.”

He felt Alec shuffling, getting on his side to better face him. “I _know_ it wasn’t technically true or rational, but that was how it _felt_. Jace, let’s face it, no matter what we say or agree on, we are _always_ together. We’ve never not been together ever since we kissed the first time.”

Jace let one skeptical eye land on Alec. “Did you smoke anything recently?”

Alec rolled his eyes. “No. I’m _serious_. I _know_ you get what I mean. Izzy told me what you told her about our bond.”

“Snitch.”

“After I told her something similar.”

“You did? You said that we were always meant to love each other, and that our parabatai bond was always meant to heighten that?”

“Yeah.”

Jace pondered that for a while, then he had to sigh again. “Yeah, I felt the same, about the cheating, even back when I was with Clary. And I couldn’t even get it up for the girls I tried to pick up at the bar.”

This time it was Alec’s turn to be skeptical. “No, _that_ I don’t believe. I think you managed just fine this summer.”

“That was this _summer_. I was pissed and wanted to get back at you. It’s not like _that_ , now, because I don’t want to hate you. I just want to _love_ you.”

Alec laid on his back again, closing his eyes. “I know. Me, too.”

“Then what are we doing, Alec?”

Jace’s arm seemed to move on its own accord, inching closer to the hand Alec had on the floor. When Alec let him interlock their fingers together, a small flame of hope lit up in Jace.

“Jace, you’re my parabatai, but you’re also everything else. You’re everything to me, period,” Alec said in a solemn tone.

“So can we…?”

“Yes,” Alec turned his head towards him, and Jace’s face was breaking out into the biggest smile. “The only thing we can’t be is lovers, but yes, we’re together.”

Jace’s heart missed a beat, as Jace blinked, his face falling. “What? What do you mean? Like…platonically together, or something?”

Alec nodded. “It’s a thing that exists, right? I love you, and I’ll never want to be with anyone but you, but we can’t do… _eros_. You know we can’t risk it again.”

Jace sat up, suddenly feeling the cold of the ground, before he looked down at Alec. “And what does that mean, _exactly_? Like, can I kiss you?”

Alec swallowed down. “No.”

“Can I sleep in your room?”

Alec shook his head.

“Hold your hand?”

“Only when we’re alone.”

Jace let out a sound of exasperation, rising his eyes to the heavens. “Then what’s the fucking difference? It’s still a secret relationship that’ll get us in trouble no matter if we sleep together or not. At this point, why not go full on?”

Alec got upright as well, placing his elbows on his knees as he passed his hands through his hair, messing it up more than it already was. “At least this way we can more easily pull off that it’s just us being as close as any parabatai should be! Listen, Jace, I’m just trying to, to do some damage control here, cause I just can’t, I can’t _lose_ …”

“I _know_ , I know.” Jace placed a hand on Alec’s shoulder, his stomach clenching. “You’re right. And know that I _do_ appreciate what you do, I _love_ you for always trying to protect everyone, even if it’s so damn frustrating at times.” Jace took a deep breath. “Okay, fine, let’s have this new arrangement.”

When Alec smiled, relief and gratefulness clear on his face, Jace could only hug him as tight as he could, placing a kiss on his head without being stopped. He would do _anything_ for this wonderful idiot.

At least, that one was to like a bit more than the _other_ arrangement. Because it meant that Alec could live with himself, while still being with him. It meant that Alec was _his_ again, and nobody else’s, ever. It meant that they could pass all the time they wanted together without having to try to move on from each other. It meant they could hold each other, and not let go, when they had a hard time living.


	3. Back, back, back to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace and Alec go out to celebrate Alec's new position as Head of Institute. As platonic soulmates, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What a ride! This series is officially over, outside of the eventual drabbles that i could do from time to time. Finally, they get the resolution they deserve ;)  
> p.s. you might recognize something from one of the drabbles of my collection. that was a first draft, now you know ;)

Walking through mundane New York, after a shitty day, was always a relief. In Jace’s first and last day as Head of Institute, it could only be even more so. As he reached the spot Alec had told him to meet him at, and saw his parabatai already there, Jace might’ve been starting to feel human again, and not a bureaucrat robot.

“Hey,” Alec greeted him, a big smile on his face.

“Hey, boss,” Jace said back with a grin, stepping close to Alec. “So, what are the plans? What are we doing to celebrate your new prestigious position?” he asked cheerfully, his breath deliberately hitting Alec’s mouth. Platonically.

Alec looked down at him without saying anything for a moment longer than would be normal, before he shrugged himself off. “I don’t know. I thought we could just go around, have some fun.”

“Fun. And you. In the same sentence. A dynamic I’d never considered.”

“Sod off.” Alec shoved him lightly, unable to hold back a smirk. “I can have _fun_. You’re saying that you’ve never had fun with me?”

“Of course, I’ve always had plenty of fun with you.” Jace winked. Accepting an agreement didn’t mean he wouldn’t play around with it a bit…to see what Alec would do. Even though Jace knew that now that he was officially Head, Alec’d hardly step down from his iron resolve. Not that Jace was counting on that anyway. And he was a better man than one that would seriously try to weaken his _platonic soulmate’s_ grip on himself, right?

When Alec sneaked a glance at his lips, however, Jace still couldn’t help but be a little satisfied with himself.

“I see you have a lot of steam to unload. Better focus it somewhere else,” Alec teased back.

To Jace’s surprise, Alec led him into a club. Jace didn’t have any idea how Alec knew about it, nor why he had chosen something so far away from his tastes.

“But you don’t like it here!” he shouted in Alec’s ear, trying to make himself heard over the loud music.

“Maybe I do this once!” Alec shouted back, grinning - cryptically, if Jace said so himself. Power must’ve gone to his head already.

Even more uncharacteristically, Alec walked directly towards the bar and asked for two shots.

“What has gotten into you?” Jace had to ask him, now really amused.

Alec shrugged, the grin still not leaving his face.

“To new beginnings,” Alec said, after they’d crossed their arms together.

They downed their shots. Seeing Alec make a face as soon as the alcohol touched his tongue reassured Jace that he was still the same Alec, and he laughed openly.

“Okay, we can go now,” Alec stated then.   

“Seriously? That was all?”

“Yes.”

Jace shook his head with fond exasperation, before he started following Alec out of the club.

Abruptly, he felt himself being pulled by the hand until he literally _landed_ against Alec’s chest. Jace hadn’t noticed that the [music](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz3MEd1Jr0Q) had slowed down, but he did as soon as he looked up at Alec, who had circled his waist, and what he saw in Alec’s eyes made butterflies take root in Jace’s stomach. When Alec’s hands palmed his back to draw him closer, Jace, wordlessly, wrapped his own arms around Alec’s neck, his face burying itself into it. Inhaling Alec’s scent that drowned all the other much more unpleasant ones, he was the most at peace than he had been in a while.

“But we’re not alone,” Jace only had the strength to whisper in Alec’s ear.

“Don’t care,” was Alec’s curt reply, before he placed a kiss at the base of Jace’s neck, causing the hair to stand up on Jace’s skin.

Jace couldn’t really complain, as they swayed on the spot in a sea of strangers.

When the song ended, they got out of the club in silence, their hands reluctantly breaking apart. Jace had no idea what else Alec wanted to do, but the surprise dance had left him so speechless that he couldn’t even bring himself to ask.

But the _last_ thing Jace would’ve expected was for Alec to suddenly take his hand again, and drag him into a back alley all in one swift move. The next thing he knew, Alec had crushed his lips on his, and something at the back of Jace’s throat _roared_ as his mouth instantly opened on its own accord to better let Alec in. He wanted to laugh, or to cry, or just melt into a puddle on the ground as Alec kissed him _senselessly_ , because _yes, finally, thank you!_

When Alec broke apart, Jace didn’t even try to bite back the whine of protest that was drawn out of him. He still opened his eyes, and his hand immediately went to trace the glowing rune on Alec’s neck. Jace was even more surprised when Alec didn’t flinch away, instead he let his eyes droop as he leaned into the gesture in obvious pleasure.

After, Alec had the decency to look a bit sheepish. “I know, I know…I make the rules, and I break them.”

Jace was far, _far_ from bothered, and he could only grin. “Better you than me, or I’d never hear the end of it.”

“I  _said_  I was sorry.”

“You didn’t, actually.”

Alec stuck out his tongue, and Jace laughed freely.

“So, do you want to bring me somewhere, or would you rather keep ravishing me in a dark alley, where everyone could walk in on us?” Jace asked, anticipation layered under his teasing, casual tone. 

Alec bit his lip. “I have an idea.”

Jace felt literally on fire as him and Alec stumbled into a motel room with their lips not parting even to take a breath. They could live off each other easily enough, after all.

They were out of their shirts by the time Jace spoke the first words since they’d entered. “So, I gather, oh dear boss, that you want to fuck your predecessor in the ass? A very fitting metaphor.” 

Alec laughed, before replying, almost in a growl, “Actually, I think the predecessor fucks the successor in the ass far more often, with all the shit they leave them to deal with.”

“Oh, I see.”

Jace captured Alec’s lips, pulling down the bottom one with his teeth, as Alec moaned.

“You know that you wouldn’t deserve it, right?” Jace whispered, his hands sliding down to cup Alec’s backside. “Where are your _platonic feelings_ right now, _parabatai_?”

Alec snorted against his neck. “Literally, down the gutter,” he let out hoarsely.

“I can see that. But care to explain to me what brought this on? What made you give in?” Jace had first meant it as a tease, but now he realized that he was serious, and he raised Alec’s head to look him firmly in the eyes.

But Alec closed them, pressing their foreheads together. “I just…want you.”

Alec brushed their lips together, but Jace was undeterred. “So let me get this straight, if I give you what you want tonight, and then tomorrow I can’t touch you, how is that fair?”

Alec was looking down as he gingerly placed his hands on Jace’s hips, but he finally looked him in the eyes when he spoke, “That won’t happen. You can touch me all you want, I promise. I mean, not in public, but…yes.”

“It’s been _four_ days since our platonic arrangement. Forgive me if I don’t _understand_ …you’re conceding, throwing away all your concerns, just because you’re horny?”

Alec let out a sarcastic laugh, before sighing forlornly. “Jace, I know that I’ve been all over the place, okay?” When Alec drew their heads together again, almost as if he couldn’t keep himself upright otherwise, Jace didn’t protest, even though he didn’t let his eyes fall shut. “Ever since Hodge approached me that night, and I felt the whole world crushing down on me…I’ve been scared _shitless_ , Jace. Constantly flailing around, internally screaming.” Alec took a deep breath. “But then I see you, and Izzy, going through the worst shit, yet still facing your fears head first while you keep fighting for who you are and what you believe in, and how can I still justify going on _hurting_ you, and myself, just because I’m afraid of the consequences of letting myself _love_? Everything keeps going so _fast_ and, and I don’t want to find myself in twenty years with a life of regrets. You were right, Jace…we’re together no matter what, and it’s stupid going by half-measures, isn’t it? We haven’t been platonic for too long to just go on like this without imploding, eventually. And when I think that we could _die_ tomorrow…”

Jace pulled him down for a kiss, letting their mouths moving together do the talking for him.

“Four days…more like four months. I took far _too_ long, don’t you think? I’ve been stubborn as a mule,” Alec added, sadness clear beneath his attempt at levity.

“Yeah, you’re surprisingly hard to crack. Not even my good looks are enough.”

They both laughed, for real this time.

Jace still had a nagging thought. “You promise?” he asked in a smaller voice than he would’ve wanted.

Alec cupped his face with both hands. “I _promise_. We’ll face everything else that comes at us, even another Hodge, _together_. I promise that I’ll trust you, and rely on you, and never lie to you. I promise I won’t let you go, ever again…and if I do, you’re allowed to kiss me in front of everyone and get us exiled.”

Jace snorted, but his heart had already soared inside his chest. “I wouldn’t do that. And I promise you the same. But, Alec, know that I – I won’t survive it another time. Not another goodbye.”

Alec nodded, his smile soft and so, so loving. “Me, too.”

“And all those years,” Jace went on, “we _were_ stupid, and we _got_ careless, and you are not the only one to blame for all this mess, okay? But we know better now, and we _won’t_ let that happen again.” Jace took a deep breath. “Let’s have faith in us? For real this time. We must truly believe that our love…is a _strength_ , and not a weakness.”

That felt momentous even before it left Jace’s lips.

He didn’t know how or when he had come to that conclusion, but _yes_ , he wanted to scream at the entire world. He had never felt it so clearly; _that_ was what had caused them to crush and fall. All those years before, they had gotten together out of love…but also out of conviction that they were giving in into a _weakness_. Love was a fault that they couldn’t help but fall into, because _they_ were just too weak to resist it.

Now, somehow, after everything that had happened, Jace was convinced more than _ever_ that that was wrong. _They_ had been wrong. They were not giving _in_ to love, they were letting it rise them. If he had thought it before, if he had already _felt_ that him and Alec had always been meant to be, and that their bond had leveled them up to unprecedented powers, only now could he state it proudly, believing wholeheartedly that they, together, would win over _everything_.

When Alec nodded, his eyes shining of something undefinable, and he echoed, “ _You_ are my strength,” Jace knew that Alec believed it, too. And he kissed him again.

* * *

He had been teasing, when he had told Jace that he wanted…that, but apparently Jace had taken it far too literally, and now Alec was torn between just giving in, like his body was screaming at him to do, and feeling guilty. Because he couldn’t help but feel that _he_ should be the one giving Jace everything that he wanted, after all the shit he had put him through. If Alec thought of just how _stupid_ , how _delusional_ he’d been, refusing to listen to either Jace or his sister for far longer than he should…

“ _Stop_ , stop thinking,” Jace told him, as he got out of his own pants, and Alec didn’t know whether to curse or bless the fact that Jace almost never wore underwear, because he was already aching at the sight. Jace had pushed him down to sit on the bed, and now he went to straddle him, as he captured his lips all too intensely, before he added in a rough whisper, “Just shut your brain down and let me love you. I _love_ you, and I _want_ you.”

When Jace pushed on his chest and he landed with his back on the mattress, Alec – already turned on beyond words at being manhandled by his favorite person – could only do as he was told, giving in and sighing all too eagerly as Jace’s mouth started tracing all his glowing runes. When Jace got to his parabatai rune, Alec was already crying out his name.

“Stop moving,” Jace intimated him, the first words said in a while, before he placed a kiss on the curve of Alec’s back.

Pressing his face deeper into the mattress, which still couldn’t stifle his groan, Alec found it definitely hard to comply, as his hips only wanted to move _more_ around Jace’s two fingers.

“It’s been a while, okay?” Alec could only shoot back in a strained voice, as he actually _did_ try to stop writhing.

“What, Magnus wasn’t good at it? I have my difficulties believing that,” Jace teased.

Why did he have to mention Magnus right _now_?

“Uhm…I haven’t been with Magnus,” Alec admitted around another groan.

Even Jace’s fingers paused. “Oh…I thought you had. But why not?”

Alec wished Jace could’ve seen him roll his eyes. “You already _know_ why. Do you think I could go all the way with him while feeling like I was cheating on you? No one…” He had to bite his lower lip, because Jace had resumed his ministrations, “can touch me like this, but you. Can we go back to not talking about exes?”

Jace started laying kisses all over his back, and Alec was satisfied.

When Jace finally pulled out his three fingers, Alec was literally buzzing with anticipation, already walking the edge of a combustion, as he felt Jace adjust himself better behind him, probably already about to…

“Wait.”

Before Jace could start thinking that he was stopping this altogether, or changing his mind about his new decision, Alec quickly turned around.

“I want to look at you,” he added, quietly, thickly. The sea of emotions that was drowning him right then, was hard to express in any other way.

When Jace smiled, his shoulders sagging in relief, before he placed himself between Alec’s legs, laying a languid kiss on his lips, Alec could only circle him with his entire body, his entire _being_ , welcoming him where he belonged. Vowing, this time to himself, to never let him go, ever again.

Alec held onto him, wrapping his legs around Jace’s hips, as Jace finally led himself into him. A sigh escaped both their lips at the same time, before their mouths met once more as Jace kept pushing all the way into Alec. When he bottomed out, Alec had to break apart, since his mouth fell open as he panted, his back rising from the bed to better meet Jace. Jace’s mouth was on the side of his neck, his favorite spot, and Alec was laid over with shivers as Jace pulled all the way out only to get back in. They both cried out.

All the urgency they had arrived in that room with, however, seemed to be gone, because they didn’t pick up speed, they just kept going at that painfully slow pace. For some reason, that was exactly what they needed. Alec could feel with striking clarity every inch of skin on Jace’s body that was in contact with his, and all those places burned brighter over him. Jace’s cock sliding in and out him, too, left a heated path that caused the deepest moans to start from the center of Alec’s stomach until they came out of his lips in low growls. But their mouths weren’t passive, nor their hands, as they reached blindly for every surface immediately available; easily distinguishable, in the dim light of the room, by the added glow of their runes.

Yes, they were their own source of light, as they finally, _finally_ made love again, the strings tying them together through their bond vibrating ecstatically, as their bodies and souls created a music only they could hear, and _feel_.  

Alec looked back into Jace’s mismatched eyes as if from another world, and that was when they _did_ become urgent in how they breathed hard against each other’s mouths, and Alec’s hips were permanently off the mattress to meet up with Jace’s quickened, harder thrusts, to feel better and _deeper_ every muscle that stretched inside of him. They pulsed ecstatically, until Alec was blinded by an uncontainable pleasure, his own cock throbbing madly as it rubbed against Jace’s stomach over and over again. And every time Jace pressed against his prostate, Alec cried out.

“I love you,” they shouted at the same time, before Jace’s bent down to kiss him almost desperately, and Alec couldn’t hold it any longer. Stars shot up behind his eyelids as he came, Jace’s name drawn out of his lips in bliss just as Jace emptied himself into him, his entire body shaking over Alec’s.

As they slowly came down from it, Alec only tightened his grip on Jace, placing a kiss on Jace’s shoulder.

Love would be their strength, he’d made sure of it.

* * *

They were laying supine on the bed, side by side, as if in a daze, and Jace only had the energy to turn his head and place a kiss on Alec’s shoulder. Alec interlocked their fingers together, and Jace smiled against his skin.

“You know, before today I don’t think I ever really understood the pressure you were under,” Jace admitted in a whisper.

Alec hummed, and Jace looked up at him, with his closed eyes, reddened mouth, and love bites laid all over his neck.

Jace smiled, but he still felt the need to go on, “Like, as soon as I had a name and a grandmother breathing down my neck, I didn’t know how to juggle doing the right thing both for the Clave and for the people…it really felt like I had no other choice but do the wrong thing for the right reasons, while I was unable to do the right thing for the wrong reasons.”

“Summary of my life, nicely put,” Alec chuckled, before opening his eyes and looking back at him. “But was I really always that insufferable? Seriously, if that’s so, I can understand why you all wanted to punch me in the face.”

“You wanted to punch me in the face?” Jace asked with a smirk.

Alec chuckled again.

“Well, I’m glad you ended up fucking me instead, much more gratifying,” Jace teased.  

Alec laughed openly now. “Definitely.” He shuffled around until he was leaning on his elbow, facing Jace as a hand went to brush Jace’s messy hair away from his forehead. “Hey, I don’t know if I properly thanked you for giving me the Institute.”

Jace shrugged, smiling. “I only want the best in charge. Also, I took a course in fulfilling dreams, you might call me your fairy godmother.”

Alec flinched around a snort. “I won’t be calling you my fairy godmother, idiot. And you know what, who says I’m the best?”

“I say it. After the mess I made…well, let’s say I appreciate a lot more what you do to manage everything.”

“I don’t manage everything, clearly.” Alec looked pointedly at him.

“I’m talking about politics, dummy.” Jace’s index finger started tracing the angelic rune on Alec’s forearm. “You’re far better at it than I am.”

“Not true.” Alec frowned. “I just had more time to practice. I’m sure you would’ve figured it out eventually, plus it’s not like _I_ won’t make any messes…I can already feel a headache coming over all the mistakes I’ll make.” Alec groaned, only half-teasing, as he fell back on the mattress with an arm on his face.

Jace chuckled, before crossing his arms on Alec’s chest, laying his head on them.

Alec removed his arm, looking down at him. “You’ll stay by my side?” he asked. It was an honest, almost hesitant, hopeful question.  

Jace simply smiled. “Always.”

Alec’s hand tracing his back, Jace pinned himself on his arms and went to reach Alec’s mouth, kissing it. Both of Alec’s arms wrapped themselves around him, and Alec rolled them over before he knew it, until Jace found himself with his back on the bed, his mouth open and wanting, as his tongue tangled with Alec’s.  

“You know, my _true_ dream,” Alec murmured against his lips, “is leading the Institute with _you._ As my parabatai, and as…my husband.”

Jace held his breath, as he opened his eyes. He didn’t think that word had ever left Alec’s mouth before, so he merely stared at him in awe, his heart going all a-flatter in his chest. “Yeah?” was all Jace managed to say, his voice cracking.

Alec brushed their lips together once more, before he spoke, the look in his eyes never more somber, his voice never deeper, “If we could, would you…marry me?”

“Thought…you’d never ask,” Jace chuckled breathlessly, leaning his mouth closer to Alec’s ear, before saying in an exhale, “I would marry you in the blink of an eye.”

The smile that opened up on Alec’s face was to kill for. Jace hoped that he had returned it half as such, as their breaths mingled together, as their heads pressed against each other. No more words were needed before their lips found each other once again.

And Jace could only moan and sigh in bliss, as Alec made him his. Now and forever.


End file.
